Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2004 April
2004 February
My Links
Xdisturbedx's Blog
Xdisturbedx's Blog
Quitxmyxlife's Blog
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| Ever second a new beginning |
| 04.25.04 (3:05 pm) [edit] |
Well, I've just read Jaida's Blog, which I didn't need to do, as I've seen her pains ever since then, and even days prior to then. All these feelings have been feelings I can relate to, and in terms, and at times, it seems silly compared to that which I've gone through such a short while ago, but I know how much the littlest things can mean to people. I know that even the mentioning of a name of a certan person whose name will remained unmentioned, but I'll tell you his name starts with M and rymes with Dyke. Yeah, I dunno, there is little rational reason for that to cause me any problems, yet I find it bothering me, enough so that I need to bleed it from my veins. I have hopes that things will eventually either stop bothering me, or that one day the name would stop fucking slapping me in the face, but I doubt either of those days will fall upon me for some great time to come. WHile I'm on this paticular subject, tehre is another of whome I have a great problem with, due to his disrespect for me behind AND in front of me, as well as the fact that it just bothers me. There is no need to mention his name. Two names I could say though, Sarah, and Tessa, two beautiful girls, and two of which are fond of me. I am great old friends with the one, but consider this.. a "partner" so caring for their significant other, as they would be willing to pass up both sexual advances, AND no longer even interact with those two paticular individuals. Now, wouldn't that be a feet for someone? A guy no less. Well let a record be written that the insident just stated has come true, as that is one in direct effect as of now, except for the sceme to get Tessa to go out with my friend Trevor, there need'th be an exception written there, as I am helping my friend.
Anyways, enough of that. I wanted primarily to take this time to talk about things that I have not been able to say aloud to Jaida, for fear of rejection, or in the case I am simply ignored. Do you know that feeling, when the knife first,lightly touches your skin? And then the second it penotrates? The excuisit pain that doesn't hurt, the healing adrenholin pulsing through your veins? Or the creaming flowing grey smoke as if passes over your tounge and down your throught, to teh bottom of your lungs for the first time in two months, and you can almost feel the braincells deteriorating, and the clear acidic excrament that you blow out, knowing that you have taken in the greatest level of THC you could? Or the greatest of all, the moment, not of, but just prior to an orgasme, when all time stops for an eternal second, where no sound waves move, and no air is breathed, where there is perfect peice, one single moment of sacrosanct? Or even this, that five seconds you lay on your back in a field of grass and look up to the sky, smile and think "Right now, everythign is perfect."? All thoes moments are no different from ever moment I spend with Jaida. There are times she pushes me, there are times where she can push me no further, and there have been times she pushed more then that. Times when to any other person would be considered the worst time of there life. But I need to say, taht the worst tiem I've had with Jaida is better then the best time I've spent without her.
A romeo speech I suppose, but none the less the truth. The feelings I have for her reach further then I had ever expected them to, and one day, mmm, one day... well, you'll just have to see when that day comes as to what I am blissfully conjuring in my mind.
Love always Andrew.
And love forever I will, Jaida... .
|
|
|
| |
| NeeT |
| 04.07.04 (5:29 am) [edit] |
Platonic, a new concept for me, but one that seems to work. It's neet just having friends. Rerspect, it's great, have it, treat oithers with it, it will get you farther in life then school ever will./
Now that I'm done babling, bye.
|
|
|
| |
| News? |
| 04.05.04 (5:41 am) [edit] |
|
Meh, nothing's new. My feelings for Jaida keep growing, and every day I like her all the better. I find her hard to keep up with sometimes, as she asks a lot from me, but that's ok, I don't mind doing things for people, especially for her. I can understand where she gets her needyness from, after I heard the stories of her past, and she finally has someone who'll drop everything for her, and she's using that, as she's been used so many times. I know she'll get over that someday, and like I said, I don't have a problem with it, I kinda like it, just so long as I'm treated fairly, she knows that. I gotta go now, bye? lol
|
|
|
| |
| Nobody wants to play with me!!!! |
| 02.21.04 (7:51 am) [edit] |
mmmm, nobody writes to what I say anymore.. nto taht I really say anything.
I'm nicely addicted to Vice city, and I wonder if I'll ever figure out my problems here in the REAL world. My Moms dating some fucker, and yeah, it's not going well for me, as it hasn't been a year since my Daddy died. Wow I'm angry, and it's really REALLY cutting me up inside... but no one knows... you know now. Nothing like journals that everyone can read.
|
|
|
| |
| Wow |
| 02.19.04 (9:04 pm) [edit] |
So someday I plan to never be let down in my life. It will be very good. Never will I be led down teh wrong path, and never will I see a light that is artificial, instead of real sunlight.
I dunno, so I always had this problem, and so I like worked on it and stuff, and I had it fixed, but then I gave in a short while ago, and got once again slapped in the face and told to "shut th fucl< up". I wish that one day my life would work itself out, and people wouldn't use what I offer. Maybe someday life will work out, maybe someday, I'll learn not to care. >I figure it's all just in my head, how it's effecting other people, FUCK I am pissed.
I had my life beeten the fuck out of 4 times today. Firstly by a group of kids that nearly got this HUGE ass gfuy to kill me. The second was my Mom, and her new fucking boyfriend, and the third and fourth were performed by my beloved. Well, whatever you wanna call her now. "friend" ""friennnnnd"", whatever. I'm just gunna be a fucking slut. I'm tierd of caring for otehr people, and trying to help them. Everyone uses me, I'm just gunna use the fuck out of them now.
And maybe I'll even start to fight, I can beet up asll the fags that fuck up my success.
MMMMM Do I ever wanna just freak out, but somehow I'm holding myself together. I haven't lost it yet.
I dunno. I knwo that behind every person is who they really are. I really need to stop letting other people catch me. I can't open up to anyone, they alays turn away, not ever around, they still want me to use me as they please, but for me.. nope, "fuck him!" Whatever. Everyone when ever I start to talk about a person taht I migth get attatched to, make sure to snape me out of it... hey, all I need to do is open my eyes!
Hey I'm gunna go eat some mushrooms. Bye babies!
|
|
|
| |
| mmmmmmmmm *barf* |
| 02.17.04 (6:29 pm) [edit] |
So that was an interesting stay with Jaida last night. I'm so glad she comes over! She's like, wow, I can't even explain exactly what I see in my head.. because um... teh sky is blue? YEah, I'm messed up right now, feelin` pretty rough. Just thougth I'd keep a bit of an update for all you religious readers of my blog, lol. I should make thsi into liek a newspapre of my days, HAHA! Sweet! I'll work on developing that.
Peace and Love and FEEL PRETTY EVERYONE!
|
|
|
| |
| kill |
| 02.16.04 (8:28 pm) [edit] |
|
I want to kill. break people and thier lives, everyone and everythign they hold dear. I want to kill.
|
|
|
| |
| COME!!! |
| 02.15.04 (9:27 pm) [edit] |
Jaida, today (monday) even if I DON"T come to school, take my bus home and [i][u][b]come over anyways[/b][/u][/i]. I'll try to phone you in teh monring if I can, but yes, I hope you get this, and still come.
Love and peace baby...
*sings* I feel pretty.. oh so pretty...
|
|
|
| |
| Relationships? wtf... |
| 02.15.04 (9:15 pm) [edit] |
Hey there, it's midnight now, just got back from Jaida's. I feel like shit. I'm really sick, and can't sleep.
I've been wondering.. in the past hour or so.... about relationships. What's the point? And what defines one from another.. and why do they need to be in place.. All this thinking came because I care about Jaida.. and I've been trying to figure out why.
So two people are all hunky dory, and they meet and talk. They soon become "aquantances", (sp). This means that they now have regular casual conversations with one another, when ever they meet again. After a period of time which varies depended upon how frequently.. and how open the two are, they find they enjoy each others company.. so they begin to make time for each other, of which to interact, this we call "friendship".. BUT in order for this to be a GOOD friendship, there needs to be a few componants, that didn't need to exist before. They must have enough in common to entertain each others needs for conversation.. and they also need to meet each others standerds of trust.. trust that they won't do things liek speak about each other behind their backs. Beyond this point, things start to very, depending on your personality.. but as near as I can tell there now is "good, friends", where in both parties enjoy each other enough to make even a greater alotment of time for one another, and begin spending spands of personal time with each other. For this there need be a lot of trust.. so that the conversations that are had, which are privet.. stay that way. After that, then things get really sketchy.. when they begin to desire on another beyond what they can simply supply with words, and various other "friendly" activities. Here is where the two people begin to become realativly shy, until it is spoken aloud, as to confirm for both parties.. a physical atraction. Now for many people, the statuse of which these two people have.. need not change.. and so it may not. This is something in particulare I have a HUGE reputation for.. but not in slutty terms, but as friends; "friends" lol. Anywho, there comes a point where a desire of commitment comes into play, where a "posessive" restraint comes into play, keep the two together, and with only each other.. and until this is voiced.. then the abulity to be "friendly" with other people is still an option. Then on teh other hand, even AFTER that sort of commitment has been set, still people stray, but that is immorral, unless said otherwise. This stage we would call "dating, going steady, fucking" lol, whatever turns your pickle. Now the relationshiop does change much "catagoristically" after this point, but the bond grows stronger.. and IF it holds, then we go on to marrage, but who needs to talk about that?
Maybe it's a sence of security taht these titles hold, or just another fucker of our socially accepted moral rights and wrongs. Where there stands no right or wrongs, I have found myself hung by the neck with paticular tradition, but then again, all the words here I know the meaning of, and this is me tierd, spitting shit off teh top of my head, I deserve a bit of edakit (and a dictionary for spelling), for simply knowing half of this. :P lol
I hope that someday, I can free msyelf from teh shackles of sociaty, and truly become myself, create the me I know I am. But until then I will continue to follow what I know to be right, or at least, most beinifitial... hey, taht reminds me of someting that bugs me.
All my life I have yerned, struggled, fought accessively for respect and trust. These two things I hold higher then most anything else in this world besides love.. and I hate how it needs to be built upon EVERY person individually. I can have complete trust from 1,000,000 people, but if the ONE person I need to have trust me doesn't... then it's all for nothing eh? And about love.. how can it not be everywhere? Everywhere I look I can see love. Even in hitlor. The perfect flaw, the perfect right. Everything is perfect, and taht being said.. where do I stand to have a right to complain? Well, consider this more of a thinker... I sit here, and I will type this, perhaps for teh only reason taht I'm really fucking shitty sic and tierd.. or because I'm too smart.. or to help, or at least trigger a thought prossess in YOUR mind. To get you to think, to even get yuou to know.
I am asked... how can I care so much for someone so quickly.... and all I want to tell them is: "What makes you think I don't care that much about you?" What is there that keeps people from loving so fast? I'll tell ya! It's fear. God damnit. All of the past of peoples lives they fear love because everytime they find perfect bliss in love, when they come out, it's so dramatic a change, taht they think it's been all pain and hurt. People don't fear pain itself, they fear the peices that LEAD to being hurt. Someday everyone will knwo who the REAL God is. They will know, hell you know now.. but you dont' knwo you know. God is existance.. and non existance.. and God is the perfect, teh love. I'm not preaching a religion to you, but I AM telling you even some of what that fucker Christ was saying... that perfection is love. And yes, you'll get hurt through it, i fyoiu let yourself, but is it not a perfect hurt? You only get hurt as much as you let yourself... but you do have that little voice in you.. and when you know a sorce of perfect love... then don't wait for another place, or person. Don't think so much about it, because your first thought is always teh best one fo ryou. The one to define you, or even to descover you. Choose what YOU know is right, not what you're told, not what you fucking tell yourself. Live, and love, and if you let it, all taht and more will retourn.. I promise..
And for those of you taht dont' believe in promises....... FUCK YOU! :P haha
Well taht was fun wasn't it? ALmost as much fun as my weekend! Spenmt it all on Jaida.. mmmm, good gal. She got me back into playing that damn game.. teh SIms.... mmm, funner then hell, but you know what? It's ok, because I got really mad at it. lol. it'sd so hard! And no fun after you've cheated so much. OH! BTW! Cole... wow, what a kid. I HAVE to make sure I get enough sleep before I spend too much tiem with him, whoaa.. I love kids, assuming I'm not feeling sick.
Hey I'm gunna go now, it's been a sick little adventure here, all the sickness I've dealt with writing this blogggg. mm, fun to say.. bloggg, bl-b- BARF! oops, sorry. :P Anyways.. one last thing or 5 before I leave... I want all you girls to out there to know, that not EVERY guy is looking for sex. Now on the other hand, I'm convinced that after a long enough period of time, nono, EXPERIANCE for girls, that's all tehy ever think about.. and also true for some of the lesser men, who don't knwo which head to think with.. but yeah, we ain't all THAt bad.
Love, peace, and fairwell!!
*sings* I feel pretty.. oh so pretty....
|
|
|
| |
| YAY!! |
| 02.14.04 (8:47 am) [edit] |
Hey anyoen who actually looks here. Last night was great. Jaida's amazing.. I can see why all you girls back home love her so much.. :P
I really can't believe it. I know IO'm a suck and get attatched too soon, but I'm rediculis.. maybe for the better. i mean this chick.. I think I said this in my last blog, and old friend, who i had this whole big thi g for a long time ago, she's all wnating me now, and I said no.. I'm so proud of that! I gunna like say that every time i write one of these now. *lick* *hump* *poo* to you too. :P Wow my wrist really hurts and I can't spell, so I'm gunna go stick my nose under my arm and smell..... (it rymed)... :P
Anyways, *strips* SORRY!!!!
lol
Well funny fun fun, love um.. my mom. Bye!
|
|
|
| |
| Now I can die... |
| 02.12.04 (10:00 pm) [edit] |
So otehr then my terrible sex problem, my life is completely perfect. I just got a new guitar, (#6, except I sold one, so I only have 5 now) a 12 string, and it's teh sexiest slut you'll ever meet. mmmm, it sounds sooooo sexilisious... mmmm.. So Jaida was here last nigth, and it was good, naw, it was great. Could have been better.. I wish I had more water. LOL
So beyond my guitar, I also have a tight, and loose network of very close, to everyone else worth of friends. I love Alex, he's my Drummer, and he's amazing at drumming. We's are ladies men! ;) I also got Trevor.. sssshh, dont't ell him I talked about him, he hates it. He's a genious, kinda unlike someone else I know.. but i won't say any names... but HER name starts with a "J" and rymes with aida..... :P HAHAHAHA! Just Joshin` hunnay!
And thirdly, most importantly, I have Jaida. She is great, great for me, and just... whoaa, she's exactly what I've been needing since I lost my Dad. I wanted to take her to an expencive restorant, but i don't got the $$, but I think I can atlk my Mom into payign for it.. I'll keep you updated.
So yes, my hopes were so high, and now you can kill, so won't you kill me.. so i die happy.. yes a play off of Dashboard... mmm, sexy mooosic...... *cream*
I was creaming on stage, quite litterally. Alex was playing a double kick so much like the quality of Mudvayne.... mmmmm, whoops! THERE I GO AGAIN! Too bad all Jaida's contactual efforts minus the tounge failed. :P You're broken! But no worries, you can get.. up... fixed? NO DON'T GET FIXED! Well, unless you dont' want to marry me... I want my daughter! :P
So if you haven't noticed, I'm gunna tell you now.. I have a habbit of writing teh hell outa stuff, and it's fun. :P
I got thsi random e-mail from this chick i used to want so badly liek last summer, and she never payed me any attention, but now she wants to fuck me..... I NEVER EVER EVER!!!!!! thought I'd turn down sex.. especially with her... but yeah.. mm, Jaida, you're so worth saying no. You're even worth saying no to the others..... mmmm you're too much.. I almost can't even handle you!
So i'm gunna go because I'm sure EVERYONE is bored as hell now tryign to read this.
Peace, and love.
Andrew 8)
|
|
|
| |
| Sleepyness |
| 02.09.04 (8:35 pm) [edit] |
Yep, Jaida's sleeping on my floor, gotta love it eh? At least I'm not trying to sleep there now, and having her take all my blankets! :P I'm sorta playin` Zelda here, The Ocarena of Time. It so boring now, I wish Jaida wouldn't sleep so much! Lazy lug! :P HAHAHA My MSN won't work either, and it's only since Jaida tried to get on it, I think she's sabbotauging me.... :S hahaha, wish I could spell.
So the band has a lot of potential. We've asked Jaida to play piano for us, and she seems willing to give it a go, though I don't think she'll be playign on stage with us anytime soon. *sniff* *sniff* Smells like sex.. hrmmmm. So I'm just sittin here won day thinkin` gee, I would liek to be a toaster. I could always keep things warm.. and if tehy pissed me off, I could electricute them! :D HAHAAH Whoaa I'm dumb.. Jaida told me so. :P
Soon I'm gunna go make her bed for her, but for now, she can lie on the floor. :P
I just turned on some local funk bandage, mmmm, yummy funk, it's so poppy... yeah, something a nu-metal head should be sayin`... meh. I'm "special".. haha! Special... it's like a donut!
So I dont' leik coffee, it's all gay. And tasts liek shit.
I also dont' liek cigs. Here's a story for you.
I go to bed one night, and didn't get to give my Daddy a goodnight hug because he wasn't feeling too well, and was sleepign on teh couch, so I just went to bed, as I do everynight he isn't feeling well. Anways at 7am My Mom says that they've taken him to the hospital, (which wasn';t uncommon, as he was regularly in and out about once a month). But she said that I can sleep, and taht i didn't hafta go to work today. So I slept until I was picked up at 1:00, and I got to teh hospital, and my mom had teh usual sorta frightened face on, and she came and gave me a big hug, and I asked her when he was coming home, in a very casual way (I hadn';t seen him yet) and she said that he wasn't. Instantly i had to let her go, because I realized my whole world was about to fall in on me. And so I go into teh room and he was breathing super heavey, he had his whoel body into it because it was so hard for him to breath. I sat with him for an hour, and he opend his eyes for a second, and my Mom let me talk t him, and I fineshed my sentance, adn tehn he took another look at me as though he'd just opened his eyes, he clearly was so drugged up, that nothing was registering. So I didn't bottehr talkign to him any longer. I stood at the foot of his bed, and watched. His breathing slowed down, until he was barely moving at all. His hands were so warm. And anyways, I went home before he died, because I couldn't handle it. My Sister told me when she called that tehy had turned teh machines off, so he was certanly not coming home. Then rigth in teh middle of a friendly conversation she stops me mid sentance and says "Andrew.. he's gone.. just now, the nurse-" Click, I had hung up. And instead of sayign anything to my friend rigth behind me playing on teh 64, I just played my game I was playign on teh computer, and never really thought about it. Did some booze and such, and cried then, and tehn a few times here and tehre since.
That hurt more then the last tiem I got hurt from a girl, as my Dad was my best friend... . So yeah, basically, I love my Father, and respect him.. and smoking causes me problems that are incomprehencable accurately for anyone who hasn't been in my shoes at all. My Best friend, my guide, my reason to live, all gone. And tahts' what I said all night, "All gone, he's all gone. No more Dad. Never, no hug, no handshake, no nothing."
I needed to tell everyoen who'd listen taht, not to save you as the person, but to save the peopel close to you.. because what I lost, and went through, I dont' want anyone to ever have to deal with.
Unfortunately, that little thing there will look like nothing compared to what I'm sure so many of you have been through personally with relations, and all thsoe things that you dont' talk about. But yeah, just so everyone knows.....
Buh-Bye for now....
Andrew :cry:
|
|
|
| |
| yay |
| 02.09.04 (6:26 am) [edit] |
|
First entry, how exciting. Neo Nothing tribute. haha, Jaida rocks. mmmmmmmmmm *lick* *hump* *poo*
|
|
|
| |
|
|
